End of One Adventure, On to Another

Reading over my last post, it seems a decent, tidy, hopeful farewell to this blog.  However, I'd rather tie it up in a nice, even, 40 posts, so please, indulge me.

This is not a journey that I would've chosen to take.  And I know that, most likely, I will never know the reason that God allowed this to happen.  But this blog has been, first and foremost, about faith...in things unseen.

With this physical, emotional and mental struggle came a spiritual struggle as well.  It saw me and Jared reevaluating our concept of God and His plans for us.  For several days, I was angry with God, and spoke angrily to Him.  I do not feel shameful about this--after all, Job, a man in the Bible, did the same thing, and in his anger, he did not sin.  God responded to my anger by bestowing incredible peace on me and Jared and having us grow much closer as a couple.  God also brought me dozens of women who wrote, texted and called to let me know they loved me, they were praying for me, and--more often than not--that they had had a miscarriage themselves.  I know these blessings came from God--none of it is anything I can generate on my own.

Faith always takes work.  It only seems easy when life seems easy, but more of the time, you have to make a conscious effort to continue life in faith.  Sometimes, a HUGE effort.  I was telling this to God this afternoon, and He reminded me of this verse: "Consider it pure joy when you face trials, because you know the testing of your faith develops perseverance.  Let perseverance finish its work, so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything" (James 1:2-4).  When I talk to God, I claim His promises in the Bible a lot--it makes sense to me that He responds to my prayers by reminding me of more things He has said in the Scriptures.

And what God tells me is that He is the expert on restoring joy and hope for those who love Him and put their trust in Him.  There is another passage that I was reminded of that is in Lamentations.  It's verses 19-26, and I love the way The Message translation puts it:


I'll never forget the trouble, the utter lostness, 
   the taste of ashes, the poison I've swallowed.
I remember it all—oh, how well I remember— 
   the feeling of hitting the bottom.
But there's one other thing I remember, 
   and remembering, I keep a grip on hope:

 God's loyal love has never run out,
   his merciful love has never dried up.
They're created new every morning.
   How great is your faithfulness!
I'm sticking with God (I say it over and over).
   He's all I have.

God proves to be good to the man who passionately waits,
   to the woman who diligently seeks.

And so, I do wait.  And I do seek.  And I continue this journey in faith, because God IS good, and He DOES have a plan for my life, as I am assured in God's promise of Jeremiah 29:11: " 'I know the plans I have for you', declares the Lord.  'Plans to prosper you and not to harm you.  Plans to give you hope and a future.' "  The Message translation goes, "I know what I'm doing.  I have it all planned out--plans to take care of you, not to abandon you.  Plans to give you the future you hope for."

The future that Jared and I hope for contains 2-3 children.  And Jared and I continue to pray for God to bless us with a healthy child.  We choose to trust that He will restore doubly what He has taken away--again, just as He did with Job.  I have restarted my prenatal vitamins.  We are waiting on the medical "OK" to start trying again.  And God goes ever before us, with a plan of hope and blessing. 

Recovery--a longer than normal post

I'm at home today, resting and thinking, hopefully healing.  Yesterday was a mixture of trauma and peace.  I worked a half day in the morning--it was good for me because it kept my mind completely off of what was to come.  Jared drove me to UNC Hospital about 1:30, and my anxiety started then.  I broke down when we checked in.  I was shaking while the anesthetician asked me questions and he gave me some liquid medicine for the anxiety, but it didn't seem to work.  I cried "scaredy-tears" and locked up while they tried to get an IV in me--they had to stick me five times and eventually had to use an ultrasound to find a vein that was not clenching up in fear.  Jared held my hand and talked to me the whole time.

I remember nothing in-between finishing the IV and waking up in recovery.  That is a huge praise.  I suppose the pre-op situation convinced the anesthetician that I needed a hefty dose of sedation.  Jared came in shortly afterward, and so did the surgeon--she was petite and had Asian heritage, and was pleasant, albeit a little distant.  She said she had used an ultrasound during the surgery, like I wanted, and that there were no complications or problems.  I told her I appreciated it, and we'd see what was what when I had my follow-up check in two weeks.  I am praying constantly now against scar tissue or puncture wounds.

I am also thanking God for getting us this far.  While I in no way understand why this has happened to us, I do trust that God has been with us all along--He has never turned away.  He has been in control this whole time.  He has a grander purpose for me and He knows my heart--He knows that I believe in Him, but that I may never understand.
Steven Curtis Chapman - Questions and song lyrics

And I have thanked God for my church family at Quest Fellowship.  My phone hasn't had a break in a week and a half, because of continual texts and calls wanting me to know I am prayed for and asking how I am.  Our small group has been bringing us dinner all week--and usually enough for two dinners, meaning our fridge is completely full!  I am so grateful to have a church family who follows up their faith with action, taking care of others for the glory of Jesus.  I love you all.

And there have been so many coworkers, family members, friends from Kinetic Church and North Ridge Bible Chapel, my previous two churches....along with friends I remain very close with and friends that might be regrettably called "just facebook friends", who have contacted me to let me know I was loved and prayed for, and that they shared our sorrow.  Many shared in the exact knowledge of what I was going through, as they had been there themselves.

That's one of the reasons I have been public in my story.  Miscarriage, unfortunately, seems to be quite common.  It's nothing to be ashamed of.  Incredibly sad, yes.  Worthy of grieving, yes.  But shameful?  Not in the least.  I want my story to be available to any and all friends I may have, and those I will make in the future.  I want them to know at least one person, right from the start, that they can turn to for prayer and shared grieving, if it were to ever happen to them.  

Jared and I have a little, red, wooden box.  Inside, we placed Angel's ultrasound pictures, baby shoes, Mothers' Day cards, a picture I drew and letter I wrote her, and three white roses.  Sometime soon, we'll go to the park, find a beautiful, quiet spot in nature, and lay everything that is our Angel in the ground.  Our shared hope is that, soon, we will find complete closure in this chapter, and eagerly await our next adventure.  Our Father God brings beauty from ashes--He makes all things new.  Praise the Lord.

  

Seeking Peace

Today, I went to UNC Hospital and had a second ultrasound.  The doctor said it looked just the same as the one a week ago when we found out that we were going to miscarry.  What that means is that I passed nothing of substance over the weekend, and needed to schedule a dilation and curettage surgery.

I really, really wanted to avoid a D&C.  I do not like hospitals.  I do not like the cold, clinical nature.  I do not like the exorbitant fees.  I do not like the risks of infection or complication.  I would much prefer my body doing what it needs to, naturally.  However, in this instance, my body has failed me.  I gave natural miscarriage a try; I gave medicated miscarriage a try.  Beyond that, there's only the D&C.

So, I am scheduled to go back to UNC Hospital tomorrow around 2:30 and, sometime between then and 4:30, I'll have a D&C done to remove everything, so that I can begin the physical healing process and hopefully get back to trying for a baby before too long.

Already, I have anxiety over this.  I know the risk of scar tissue and puncturing the uterus--two things that could take away my fertility completely.  And while losing Angel has been incredibly sad, being robbed of my fertility would be devastating.  I have requested the doctor use an ultrasound during the surgery so that s/he isn't doing it "blind", which is how it's usually done--they just sort of feel around and hope they got everything.

I also asked to be giving general anesthesia as I do not want any sensation or memory of this.  However, they declined that request, saying they do heavy sedation and a local anesthetic.  So, I also have anxiety that I may feel or hear or see something that I desperately do not want to.

Please, please, pray against this anxiety.  Pray that it is fully replaced by peace--physically, emotionally and mentally.  Also, please pray that the doctor who does this surgery is compassionate, caring, and careful about what s/he is doing.  Please pray that I will heal completely and quickly.

Angel, this is not how we wanted things to go.  We had big plans for you.  We had lots of dreams and hopes.  I know you're back in Heaven now with Jesus, and with your great-Grandaddy Hudman--I bet you have already made him into a big softie.  We love you so very much, and we always will.

                                 I haven't drawn anything in a long time--maybe eight years.  
                             Not my best by a long shot, but I thought it might help with the grieving process.

Still Waiting

Please, continue to pray for us.  The medicated miscarriage did not work.  We're basically in a holding pattern now until Tuesday, when I can hopefully get in to UNC to have an ultrasound so they can see what's going on.  We are tired of being strong, tired of going through this emotionally painful process.  While I really dislike the idea of surgery, it seems like my only viable option at this point.  My body won't miscarry naturally, and medicine doesn't work.  We just want to move forward, and if that's the only way, then so be it.

We ask that you pray for us to have clarity and peace in the decisions that need to be made in the coming days.

Please pray that the doctors and midwives will have wisdom in what they recommend and compassion in how they do their job.

Please pray that there are no complications or infection.

Please pray for Jared and I to cling to God and have faith in His plans and timing.

Please pray that Jared and I continue to stay close as a couple and are able to give each other encouragement and comfort.

Please pray that Jared and I both experience continual emotional healing and eventual restored joy.

A sincere and heart-felt thank you to our friends and family who continue to keep in touch, offer to help, and who pray for us unceasingly.

Moving Forward While In Limbo

Today, Jared and I laughed for the first time since Monday afternoon.  For just the slightest moment, our pain stepped out of the spotlight.  It feels strange, since we're in the eye of the proverbial storm and not done with it yet.

Natalie Grant - Held

I am still waiting to miscarry.  We found out Monday that I had unknowingly been waiting for a week and a half--what was four more days?  Tomorrow, I will start medication and hopefully be able to return to work on Tuesday.  I couldn't stand the thought of surgery--there's always the possibility that something will go wrong and mess up my chances for a future, healthy pregnancy.  Plus, it seemed so clinical and cold and clean--not like the natural, grieving process my body needs to go through.

At first, I was upset that we had shared our news with the world before we knew for certain that everything was going well.  I felt certain--everything was progressing normally and I was experiencing most pregnancy symptoms.  However, I changed my mind once we started to tell people our sad news.  Just as friends and family and coworkers fully shared in our joy, they have been fully present in our grief.  I have found that so many women I know (including some family) have experienced this personally and therefore know the full extent of this pain and know exactly how to pray for me and Jared.  Plus, it's comforting to know that Angel has so many playmates in Heaven, and a Father who loves her more than Jared and I ever could.

With Hope

This song pretty much wraps up how we are feeling and believing right now.  We will continue posting now and then, as we feel necessary, to work through our grieving process.

With Hope by Steven Curtis Chapman

Faith in the Darkness

Here is a picture of our baby, who we named Angel.  We don't know if it's a boy or girl, but they're with Jesus now.  The ultrasound showed that growth, and the heartbeat, had simply stopped at ten and a half weeks.

This has been incredibly sad, but we have been carried by our families' and close friends' prayers, and would ask for your prayers, too.  At a time like this, Jared and I are so thankful to be children of God.  Through Him, we have hope in sadness, faith in darkness, and the promise of joy restored.

Our little Angel, we love you very much.