I'm at home today, resting and thinking, hopefully healing. Yesterday was a mixture of trauma and peace. I worked a half day in the morning--it was good for me because it kept my mind completely off of what was to come. Jared drove me to UNC Hospital about 1:30, and my anxiety started then. I broke down when we checked in. I was shaking while the anesthetician asked me questions and he gave me some liquid medicine for the anxiety, but it didn't seem to work. I cried "scaredy-tears" and locked up while they tried to get an IV in me--they had to stick me five times and eventually had to use an ultrasound to find a vein that was not clenching up in fear. Jared held my hand and talked to me the whole time.
I remember nothing in-between finishing the IV and waking up in recovery. That is a huge praise. I suppose the pre-op situation convinced the anesthetician that I needed a hefty dose of sedation. Jared came in shortly afterward, and so did the surgeon--she was petite and had Asian heritage, and was pleasant, albeit a little distant. She said she had used an ultrasound during the surgery, like I wanted, and that there were no complications or problems. I told her I appreciated it, and we'd see what was what when I had my follow-up check in two weeks. I am praying constantly now against scar tissue or puncture wounds.
I am also thanking God for getting us this far. While I in no way understand why this has happened to us, I do trust that God has been with us all along--He has never turned away. He has been in control this whole time. He has a grander purpose for me and He knows my heart--He knows that I believe in Him, but that I may never understand.
Steven Curtis Chapman - Questions and song lyrics
And I have thanked God for my church family at Quest Fellowship. My phone hasn't had a break in a week and a half, because of continual texts and calls wanting me to know I am prayed for and asking how I am. Our small group has been bringing us dinner all week--and usually enough for two dinners, meaning our fridge is completely full! I am so grateful to have a church family who follows up their faith with action, taking care of others for the glory of Jesus. I love you all.
And there have been so many coworkers, family members, friends from Kinetic Church and North Ridge Bible Chapel, my previous two churches....along with friends I remain very close with and friends that might be regrettably called "just facebook friends", who have contacted me to let me know I was loved and prayed for, and that they shared our sorrow. Many shared in the exact knowledge of what I was going through, as they had been there themselves.
That's one of the reasons I have been public in my story. Miscarriage, unfortunately, seems to be quite common. It's nothing to be ashamed of. Incredibly sad, yes. Worthy of grieving, yes. But shameful? Not in the least. I want my story to be available to any and all friends I may have, and those I will make in the future. I want them to know at least one person, right from the start, that they can turn to for prayer and shared grieving, if it were to ever happen to them.
Jared and I have a little, red, wooden box. Inside, we placed Angel's ultrasound pictures, baby shoes, Mothers' Day cards, a picture I drew and letter I wrote her, and three white roses. Sometime soon, we'll go to the park, find a beautiful, quiet spot in nature, and lay everything that is our Angel in the ground. Our shared hope is that, soon, we will find complete closure in this chapter, and eagerly await our next adventure. Our Father God brings beauty from ashes--He makes all things new. Praise the Lord.
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