End of One Adventure, On to Another

Reading over my last post, it seems a decent, tidy, hopeful farewell to this blog.  However, I'd rather tie it up in a nice, even, 40 posts, so please, indulge me.

This is not a journey that I would've chosen to take.  And I know that, most likely, I will never know the reason that God allowed this to happen.  But this blog has been, first and foremost, about faith...in things unseen.

With this physical, emotional and mental struggle came a spiritual struggle as well.  It saw me and Jared reevaluating our concept of God and His plans for us.  For several days, I was angry with God, and spoke angrily to Him.  I do not feel shameful about this--after all, Job, a man in the Bible, did the same thing, and in his anger, he did not sin.  God responded to my anger by bestowing incredible peace on me and Jared and having us grow much closer as a couple.  God also brought me dozens of women who wrote, texted and called to let me know they loved me, they were praying for me, and--more often than not--that they had had a miscarriage themselves.  I know these blessings came from God--none of it is anything I can generate on my own.

Faith always takes work.  It only seems easy when life seems easy, but more of the time, you have to make a conscious effort to continue life in faith.  Sometimes, a HUGE effort.  I was telling this to God this afternoon, and He reminded me of this verse: "Consider it pure joy when you face trials, because you know the testing of your faith develops perseverance.  Let perseverance finish its work, so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything" (James 1:2-4).  When I talk to God, I claim His promises in the Bible a lot--it makes sense to me that He responds to my prayers by reminding me of more things He has said in the Scriptures.

And what God tells me is that He is the expert on restoring joy and hope for those who love Him and put their trust in Him.  There is another passage that I was reminded of that is in Lamentations.  It's verses 19-26, and I love the way The Message translation puts it:


I'll never forget the trouble, the utter lostness, 
   the taste of ashes, the poison I've swallowed.
I remember it all—oh, how well I remember— 
   the feeling of hitting the bottom.
But there's one other thing I remember, 
   and remembering, I keep a grip on hope:

 God's loyal love has never run out,
   his merciful love has never dried up.
They're created new every morning.
   How great is your faithfulness!
I'm sticking with God (I say it over and over).
   He's all I have.

God proves to be good to the man who passionately waits,
   to the woman who diligently seeks.

And so, I do wait.  And I do seek.  And I continue this journey in faith, because God IS good, and He DOES have a plan for my life, as I am assured in God's promise of Jeremiah 29:11: " 'I know the plans I have for you', declares the Lord.  'Plans to prosper you and not to harm you.  Plans to give you hope and a future.' "  The Message translation goes, "I know what I'm doing.  I have it all planned out--plans to take care of you, not to abandon you.  Plans to give you the future you hope for."

The future that Jared and I hope for contains 2-3 children.  And Jared and I continue to pray for God to bless us with a healthy child.  We choose to trust that He will restore doubly what He has taken away--again, just as He did with Job.  I have restarted my prenatal vitamins.  We are waiting on the medical "OK" to start trying again.  And God goes ever before us, with a plan of hope and blessing. 

Recovery--a longer than normal post

I'm at home today, resting and thinking, hopefully healing.  Yesterday was a mixture of trauma and peace.  I worked a half day in the morning--it was good for me because it kept my mind completely off of what was to come.  Jared drove me to UNC Hospital about 1:30, and my anxiety started then.  I broke down when we checked in.  I was shaking while the anesthetician asked me questions and he gave me some liquid medicine for the anxiety, but it didn't seem to work.  I cried "scaredy-tears" and locked up while they tried to get an IV in me--they had to stick me five times and eventually had to use an ultrasound to find a vein that was not clenching up in fear.  Jared held my hand and talked to me the whole time.

I remember nothing in-between finishing the IV and waking up in recovery.  That is a huge praise.  I suppose the pre-op situation convinced the anesthetician that I needed a hefty dose of sedation.  Jared came in shortly afterward, and so did the surgeon--she was petite and had Asian heritage, and was pleasant, albeit a little distant.  She said she had used an ultrasound during the surgery, like I wanted, and that there were no complications or problems.  I told her I appreciated it, and we'd see what was what when I had my follow-up check in two weeks.  I am praying constantly now against scar tissue or puncture wounds.

I am also thanking God for getting us this far.  While I in no way understand why this has happened to us, I do trust that God has been with us all along--He has never turned away.  He has been in control this whole time.  He has a grander purpose for me and He knows my heart--He knows that I believe in Him, but that I may never understand.
Steven Curtis Chapman - Questions and song lyrics

And I have thanked God for my church family at Quest Fellowship.  My phone hasn't had a break in a week and a half, because of continual texts and calls wanting me to know I am prayed for and asking how I am.  Our small group has been bringing us dinner all week--and usually enough for two dinners, meaning our fridge is completely full!  I am so grateful to have a church family who follows up their faith with action, taking care of others for the glory of Jesus.  I love you all.

And there have been so many coworkers, family members, friends from Kinetic Church and North Ridge Bible Chapel, my previous two churches....along with friends I remain very close with and friends that might be regrettably called "just facebook friends", who have contacted me to let me know I was loved and prayed for, and that they shared our sorrow.  Many shared in the exact knowledge of what I was going through, as they had been there themselves.

That's one of the reasons I have been public in my story.  Miscarriage, unfortunately, seems to be quite common.  It's nothing to be ashamed of.  Incredibly sad, yes.  Worthy of grieving, yes.  But shameful?  Not in the least.  I want my story to be available to any and all friends I may have, and those I will make in the future.  I want them to know at least one person, right from the start, that they can turn to for prayer and shared grieving, if it were to ever happen to them.  

Jared and I have a little, red, wooden box.  Inside, we placed Angel's ultrasound pictures, baby shoes, Mothers' Day cards, a picture I drew and letter I wrote her, and three white roses.  Sometime soon, we'll go to the park, find a beautiful, quiet spot in nature, and lay everything that is our Angel in the ground.  Our shared hope is that, soon, we will find complete closure in this chapter, and eagerly await our next adventure.  Our Father God brings beauty from ashes--He makes all things new.  Praise the Lord.

  

Seeking Peace

Today, I went to UNC Hospital and had a second ultrasound.  The doctor said it looked just the same as the one a week ago when we found out that we were going to miscarry.  What that means is that I passed nothing of substance over the weekend, and needed to schedule a dilation and curettage surgery.

I really, really wanted to avoid a D&C.  I do not like hospitals.  I do not like the cold, clinical nature.  I do not like the exorbitant fees.  I do not like the risks of infection or complication.  I would much prefer my body doing what it needs to, naturally.  However, in this instance, my body has failed me.  I gave natural miscarriage a try; I gave medicated miscarriage a try.  Beyond that, there's only the D&C.

So, I am scheduled to go back to UNC Hospital tomorrow around 2:30 and, sometime between then and 4:30, I'll have a D&C done to remove everything, so that I can begin the physical healing process and hopefully get back to trying for a baby before too long.

Already, I have anxiety over this.  I know the risk of scar tissue and puncturing the uterus--two things that could take away my fertility completely.  And while losing Angel has been incredibly sad, being robbed of my fertility would be devastating.  I have requested the doctor use an ultrasound during the surgery so that s/he isn't doing it "blind", which is how it's usually done--they just sort of feel around and hope they got everything.

I also asked to be giving general anesthesia as I do not want any sensation or memory of this.  However, they declined that request, saying they do heavy sedation and a local anesthetic.  So, I also have anxiety that I may feel or hear or see something that I desperately do not want to.

Please, please, pray against this anxiety.  Pray that it is fully replaced by peace--physically, emotionally and mentally.  Also, please pray that the doctor who does this surgery is compassionate, caring, and careful about what s/he is doing.  Please pray that I will heal completely and quickly.

Angel, this is not how we wanted things to go.  We had big plans for you.  We had lots of dreams and hopes.  I know you're back in Heaven now with Jesus, and with your great-Grandaddy Hudman--I bet you have already made him into a big softie.  We love you so very much, and we always will.

                                 I haven't drawn anything in a long time--maybe eight years.  
                             Not my best by a long shot, but I thought it might help with the grieving process.

Still Waiting

Please, continue to pray for us.  The medicated miscarriage did not work.  We're basically in a holding pattern now until Tuesday, when I can hopefully get in to UNC to have an ultrasound so they can see what's going on.  We are tired of being strong, tired of going through this emotionally painful process.  While I really dislike the idea of surgery, it seems like my only viable option at this point.  My body won't miscarry naturally, and medicine doesn't work.  We just want to move forward, and if that's the only way, then so be it.

We ask that you pray for us to have clarity and peace in the decisions that need to be made in the coming days.

Please pray that the doctors and midwives will have wisdom in what they recommend and compassion in how they do their job.

Please pray that there are no complications or infection.

Please pray for Jared and I to cling to God and have faith in His plans and timing.

Please pray that Jared and I continue to stay close as a couple and are able to give each other encouragement and comfort.

Please pray that Jared and I both experience continual emotional healing and eventual restored joy.

A sincere and heart-felt thank you to our friends and family who continue to keep in touch, offer to help, and who pray for us unceasingly.

Moving Forward While In Limbo

Today, Jared and I laughed for the first time since Monday afternoon.  For just the slightest moment, our pain stepped out of the spotlight.  It feels strange, since we're in the eye of the proverbial storm and not done with it yet.

Natalie Grant - Held

I am still waiting to miscarry.  We found out Monday that I had unknowingly been waiting for a week and a half--what was four more days?  Tomorrow, I will start medication and hopefully be able to return to work on Tuesday.  I couldn't stand the thought of surgery--there's always the possibility that something will go wrong and mess up my chances for a future, healthy pregnancy.  Plus, it seemed so clinical and cold and clean--not like the natural, grieving process my body needs to go through.

At first, I was upset that we had shared our news with the world before we knew for certain that everything was going well.  I felt certain--everything was progressing normally and I was experiencing most pregnancy symptoms.  However, I changed my mind once we started to tell people our sad news.  Just as friends and family and coworkers fully shared in our joy, they have been fully present in our grief.  I have found that so many women I know (including some family) have experienced this personally and therefore know the full extent of this pain and know exactly how to pray for me and Jared.  Plus, it's comforting to know that Angel has so many playmates in Heaven, and a Father who loves her more than Jared and I ever could.

With Hope

This song pretty much wraps up how we are feeling and believing right now.  We will continue posting now and then, as we feel necessary, to work through our grieving process.

With Hope by Steven Curtis Chapman

Faith in the Darkness

Here is a picture of our baby, who we named Angel.  We don't know if it's a boy or girl, but they're with Jesus now.  The ultrasound showed that growth, and the heartbeat, had simply stopped at ten and a half weeks.

This has been incredibly sad, but we have been carried by our families' and close friends' prayers, and would ask for your prayers, too.  At a time like this, Jared and I are so thankful to be children of God.  Through Him, we have hope in sadness, faith in darkness, and the promise of joy restored.

Our little Angel, we love you very much.

Week 13!

Jellybean, you are officially in your last week of the first trimester.  You are the size of a little peach, about 3 inches long.  Your head makes up half of that size right now.  Your intestines have been growing inside the umbilical cord, but now they're moving into you!  Your vocal cords are also developing this week.  We love you very much.

Wednesday through right now, I've felt almost no nausea.  I eat regular meals and snack just a little bit.  I'm cautiously optimistic that the worst is over!  Also, I'm not going to the bathroom as much as I was (yay, sleeping through the night!)  However, exhaustion has been pulling double duty in nausea's absence.

We have our first trimester screening (ultrasound and blood work) tomorrow.  Jared is coming and we are looking forward to medical confirmation that Jellybean is doing well!

Quiet

Jared and I hurried to Chapel Hill to hear Jellybean's heartbeat on Wednesday.  The midwife tried twice, but couldn't find that sweet sound we anticipated.  I understand that about 30% of women with healthy babies can't hear the heartbeat at 11.5 weeks, especially hefty women like myself--my extra padding gets in the way. :)  Still, it was very disappointing.  We already had an ultrasound scheduled for Monday, for our first trimester screening.  The heart rate should be on screen, even if we won't be able to hear it.  The midwife did tell me that I had gained 2.5 pounds so far, which sets me up for a good weight gain overall.  She said my blood sugar and pressure were both beautiful and all my labs looked great.  Like I've said before, everything in life takes faith, and pregnancy is no different.  We have faith that Jellybean is doing fine and was just hiding this week--she's an introvert, just like her parents! :)  

Coworkers, Small Group, Facebook, Oh My

On Monday, I went back to school after (a blessed) three and a half weeks off.  I caught up with the kindergarten team and then mentioned I would be taking some time off in December.  They immediately said, "we know, you're pregnant".  I knew they had figured it out before I tracked out, but I couldn't confirm it for them until I came back.  They were excited and have offered to give advice if I want it (I love that kind of advice!).

Monday night is our church small group night.  There's about eight married couples, three with children.  It was our night to bring a snack, so I baked cupcakes with pink, blue and white icing.  No one noticed anything at first, so I said, "smart folks might find a message in the cupcakes..."  Erin, who's pregnant with her second child, said, "blue for boy, pink for girl, white for neutral....YOU'RE PREGNANT!"  And all the women screamed and hugged me, and all the men made fun of their wives for screaming and hugging.  :)

And today, Jared and I put our news on Facebook.  Together (and if you count my mother's sharing of our news), I think we've had over 120 people respond with well wishes and congratulations.  Jellybean, the world wants to meet you!  :)  I posted our blog, and readership has skyrocketed in the last two hours.  I hope I won't disappoint in my updates.

It's strange to not have Jellybean as a secret anymore, but it's also somewhat of a relief.  And we're so thankful for all the support and excitement and love that has been poured out--we feel very blessed to have you all in our lives.

Twelve Weeks!

Jellybean, today starts your twelfth week.  You weigh a 1/2 ounce and are 2 1/2 inches long.  Most of your inner systems are fully formed.  Your bone marrow is making white blood cells and your pituitary gland in your brain has started making hormones!  We love you very much.

Jared and I are back from San Antonio and seeing Jared's family.  My family, his family, and some of our close friends now know our news.  Tomorrow, I'll tell my co-workers and we'll tell our church small group.  And Tuesday, the news goes up on Facebook.

Lots of Facebook friends have been announcing their pregnancies in the last six weeks.  This seems to be the year of the baby! 

In the last week, I think I've had two really good days and three fairly bad days, regarding nausea and exhaustion.  I'm hoping good days will soon outnumber the bad, and that my work won't be affected.  I'm ready for that second trimester, and feeling much better!  The first trimester is actually thirteen weeks long, so there's two weeks left.

Two days until we go public, and three days until we hear Jellybean's heartbeat!

Not a Secret Anymore!

It's Saturday evening, and we're in Texas!  We told my parents on Thursday night, Jared's at lunch on Friday, Jared's grandparents on Friday night, and started calling friends today.  Most everyone has been very excited and supportive, and it's been fun to see folks' reactions. 

I gave both my parents memory jars last year for their birthdays.  They were decorated glass jars full of strips of paper with good, funny or touching memories from our lives so far.  I also included things that I was thankful they did and that I appreciated about them.  So, for Mother's Day, Mom wanted more memories...my brother, Thomas, helped me fill up the jar again.  We also wrote some more for Dad.  We kept one or two out for each parent to read first.  Thomas had some great ones, and then it was my turn....both of their secrets said, "I'll always remember the look on your face when you found out you're going to be a mimi/grandad". 

We went to San Antonio's Riverwalk with Jared's parents after we arrived, and had lunch on the river.  After eating, we gave Jared's mom her Mother's Day gifts.  First, we had a card from each of us, with a gift card inside.  Then, we gave her another card, and the inside said, "I can't wait to meet you!  Love, your first grandchild". 

We're off to dinner to celebrate Jared's grandparents' 60th wedding anniversary.  It's expected to be a crazy, raucous event...we've rested up, so hopefully everything'll go well!  :) 

One More Day

Jared and I have been so glad to have had the last two months to enjoy Jellybean by ourselves.  I'm glad we have waited to tell people.  This way, we've had time to talk things out, bond, and make this the new "normal" for us.  Tomorrow, we'll start having to facilitate it being the new "normal" for others, and start having to hear all sorts of advice, questions, suggestions, and pregnancy stories.  But, we're ready now, because we're totally comfortable and secure in it.

I'll do my best to keep the blog updated over the next few days with pictures and reactions.  Jellybean, you're about to go public!

11th Week!

Jellybean, yesterday started your eleventh week.  Before the next one starts, family will know about you!  You are about two inches long and you weigh a third of an ounce.  Your hair follicles and nail beds are growing.  All your fingers and toes are fully, individually formed, as is your nose, ears, and tongue.  If you are a girl, your ovaries are developing!  We love you very much.

                                                                           Photo of an 11 week old in the womb


I am still dealing with fatigue, weakness and all day nausea.  Folding a load of laundry and putting it all away causes me to lose my breath.  Checking on my plants outside, with a little watering and bug-spraying, makes me need to sit down for a while.  It's a little frustrating that I used to be able to do so much, and now I feel very needy and "unable".  I have gained 3-4 pounds so far, which sounds good to me--I've heard stories of women who have gained 10 pounds or more by the end of the first trimester!

Recently, Jared and I have been coasting along, and not being overly concerned about being pregnant.  We talk about plans, do a lot of reading, and scheme for the best ways to tell our family, coworkers and friends.  I have a feeling that, once the secret is out, plans and talk will become action and everything will feel that much more "real".

Three days until the telling starts, eight days before everyone knows, and nine days until we hear the heartbeat!

"Faith in Things Unseen" Explained

Jared and I chose Faith in Things Unseen for our blog title, for a two-fold reason.  The first, more important reason is that we are followers of Jesus and the Bible tells us consistently to live by faith, and not to rely on only what we can see and understand.  Hebrews 11, in the Bible, is a chapter all about faith in action.  The first verse says, "Now faith is confidence in what we hope for, and assurance about what we do not see."  In the chapter before, we read, "Let us hold unswervingly to the hope (faith) we profess, for He who promised to us is faithful." (Hebrews 10:23) 

Jared and I want to follow these commands and be focused on what God has promised to do for us, rather than what we might have tangibly at this very minute.  We have faith that God will take care of our daily needs ("God will meet all your needs according to the riches of his glory in Christ Jesus", Philippians 4:19).  We have faith that God cares greatly about us ("Give all your worries to Him because He cares for you", 1 Peter 5:7).  We have faith that God will give us children ("He settles the childless woman in her home as a happy mother of children. Praise the LORD", Psalm 113:9). 

The secondary reason, which is almost silly, is due to a love of the band Sister Hazel.  Jared and I have seen them in concert a few times, and I love their music.  One of my favorite songs is called "Strange Cup of Tea".  Here's a video of the song.  Here's the lyrics if you'd like to read them.

Itty Bitty Shoes

It seems everyone does a tiny shoes picture when they're expecting...and we want the whole experience. :)

Jellybean, these will be too big for you when you first arrive sometime around December 1, but maybe you can wear them in March or so!

10th week

Jellybean, you're halfway through your 10th week of being!  This week, I've read you're 1.5 inches long, and you're doing a lot of growing.  Bones, cartilage, knees and ankles are forming.  Your elbows already work.  Teeny, tiny baby teeth are growing.  If you're a boy, you are making testosterone!  We love you very much.

I've been very tired and am so thankful to be tracked out from school right now.  It takes a lot more effort to do the smallest things, and I can't manage to do things like mow the yard anymore, much to Jared's disappointment.  Morning sickness is still trying to get at me--I feel it following me all day long, but I hope my lowest point is behind me.  I have not had any heartburn or cravings, but boy do I have aversions!  I feel somewhat guilty about the food that goes to waste because I think I might want it, but then every time I look at it in the fridge, I feel "ick".  My clothes are definitely tight.  I've already "upgraded" my jeans, but I think it's time to do the same for dress pants and capris.

It's one week until you're not a secret anymore, Jellybean!  Next Thursday through Tuesday will be full of telling family, friends and co-workers.  And it's 13 days until Jared and I get to hear your heartbeat! 

Politics

So, the North Carolina amendment vote is coming up, one that would define marriage in the state constitution as between one man and one woman, and would ban any other type of "domestic legal union" such as civil unions and domestic partnerships.  Gay marriage is already illegal in North Carolina, but this would make it unconstitutional as well. 

As a follower of Jesus, I turn to the Bible as God's instructions to us.  It's quite clear on homosexuality: Leviticus 18:22 - "Do not lie with a man as one lies with a woman; that is detestable."
1 Corinthians 6:9-10 - "Do you not know that the wicked will not inherit the kingdom of God? Do not be deceived: Neither the sexually immoral nor idolaters nor adulterers nor prostitutes nor homosexual offenders nor thieves nor the greedy nor drunkards nor slanderers nor swindlers will inherit the kingdom of God."

I've had several friends who are gay.  I love them no less than I do any other friend.  I treat them as equal and would stand up for them if I knew they were being harrassed or bullied.  But I cannot support their lifestyle, due to my convictions.  That does NOT mean that I am out there telling them that they are wrong and going to Hell.  Who am I to deliver such judgement?  But God tells us clearly that homosexuality is not something to be supported. 

Many people are trying to make this amendment to not be about homosexuality.  They say it's more about protecting the rights of heterosexual couples who have legal unions, who live together but are not married.  Since sex before marriage is defined by the Bible as "sexual immorality" and is also not something to be supported, this doesn't change my position. 

Other people say that this amendment would stop protection of domestic violence victims.  I've read the proposed amendment, done some research and do not see how this is true.  Besides, while the protection of victims of domestic violence is a very worthy cause, if it is tied in to supporting homosexuality and sexual immorality, I still can't support it.  Putting makeup on a pig does not change what the pig is.

Jellybean, I do not envy you for the world you and your generation will inherit.  It's sad where things are going, and a little scary at times.  Your daddy and I promise to do our best to be there to help guide you and to answer your questions, and we will always try to point you to your heavenly Father. 

Visitor!

We are hosting our first weekend visitor since you came along, Jellybean!  Our friend Scott, from Charlotte, is coming to town.  We'll have a game night tonight, a cookout and movie tomorrow, and church and lunch on Sunday.  I'm hopeful that I won't be obviously sick this weekend, so that there's nothing to suspect. 

SeaBands have been doing a great job of keeping me feeling ok.  The week I was so sick, I couldn't wear them because I had poison ivy on my wrist, but I started again a few days ago and have felt much better.

Lazy Week

Of my three and a half weeks of track out, this week is my laziest.  I have planned close to nothing, and done about the same.  A big part of that is the fact that I am so, so sick all the time.  For a week now, I've only felt okay when I'm sleeping.  I'm really thankful to be tracked out, because I don't know how I would make it if I was working and feeling like this. 

I manage to get one or two little things done each day.  Yesterday, I cleaned the kitchen and did laundry.  Today, I'm going to vacuum and either hang our art or replant my blueberry bushes.

Jared is recovering from his whirlwind weekend in Texas.  He enjoyed it and learned a lot, met a lot of people...but he's never worked like this before.  All his previous jobs have been commission based, and he never had to put in a 40-hour work week.  He did earn overtime for his work this weekend, but that puts him at 40 hours last week, another 30 hours from Friday to Sunday, and 40 hours again this week.  He is some kind of tired!  He probably needs a lazy week, too. 

15 days until we start telling people our news!  It's been hard lately, because I really want to moan about how much I'm hurting, but can't.

More Than Pregnant

I was hoping this blog would be more than a way to keep up with our pregnancy.  I did LiveJournal pretty religiously for about five years, and have been missing an outlet, somewhere to journal our lives and thoughts.  I want to talk about things like our new house, Jared's new job, our church, things we are learning in our Bible study, etc.  So, hopefully I can stick to that and update with more than just pregnancy stuff.

For instance, Jared's been in Texas for a three-day work conference.  His company decided he was perfect to send to this annual convention, since he was new.  He's gotten to meet a lot of people he'll be doing business with over phone and e-mail.  And he's gotten to familiarize himself with the electrical products that ABB sells.  He comes home late tonight, and goes right back into the office tomorrow.  I know he's probably exhausted, but he seems satisfied, too.

I can't seem to keep pregnancy TOTALLY out of the post, so I'll just say that "morning" sickness has been kicking my butt for the last two days!  I feel awful whether I eat or not.  I don't seem to have cravings--just lots and lots of aversions.  I'm ready to feel better!

Our Third Month

Today is our last day of the second month, Jellybean!  Books say you're graduating from "embryo" to "fetus", but Jared and I don't think in those terms--you're our baby, no matter how small you are.  This coming week, you'll be about 1 inch long and your tiny muscles are starting to form.  You'll get to start moving those arms and legs!  We love you very much.

I'm still using the bathroom a hilariously high number of times a day (and night), and I've gone up three bra sizes so far (I was already plenty big enough, it's starting to look silly).  I am tired a lot and and have been falling asleep in our church's small group, work meetings, movies, etc.  And morning sickness still knocks on my door every day, but I feel like the foods I eat and the way I nibble through the day are helping me deal effectively with it. 

Next big date: telling the family!  A little less than three weeks before the announcements start!

First Prenatal Appointment

Jellybean, someone goofed in the office and scheduled us for two weeks early.  Consequently, I didn't get to hear your little heart beat today.  I'll go in (hopefully with Jared this time) in four weeks where we'll hear the heartbeat and get bloodwork to check if you have Downs syndrome, etc. 

Lots of questions today, both from the doctor and from me.  Our doctor was very informative and helpful with the questions I had, and she seemed pleased with the answers I gave to her questions.  Since your mommy is on the heavy side, I'm only supposed to gain 15-18 pounds during pregnancy.  I've gained 1.5 in the two months so far.  I was poked and prodded, and hopefully all the tests that were run today will come back normal.  All in all, it felt almost like a normal doctor's visit, although I really wish I could've heard that heart beat!

Eighth Week

Today I start my eighth week of pregnancy.  It seems to be going so slowly, but I'm pretty sure that's because we're not telling anyone for almost four more weeks.

Jellybean, you've been stingy with the morning sickness recently, which I appreciate.  I'm not enjoying it, but I can manage through it most of the time.  Other than that, my breasts hurt all the time and I have a hard time staying warm, and I smell stuff that seems impossibly small or far away.  No heartburn, no cravings.

Books that I've read say that Jellybean is 10,000 times bigger now than at conception.  S/He is about half an inch long this week--ready to outgrow his/her name! 

Two more days of work, and then we have our first appointment on Wednesday!

Fighting Back

I did some research and went to the grocery store for the following: ginger snaps, gingerale, crystalized ginger, rice cakes, lemons, lemonade, and pretzels.  All of these things are supposed to help with my morning sickness.  I can tell a difference so far, using the gingerale, lemons and rice cakes.  I was wearing Sea Bands for a few days, but my wrist is itchy and looks red and puffy today. 

Two of my coworkers are pressuring me about a possible pregnancy.  I continue to tell them I'm just tired, my stomach is upset, and when there's news to share, I'll make sure they know.  I'm pretty sure they've figured it out, though!

Jellybean, we have 6 days until our first doctor's appointment together!

Hello, Morning Sickness!

I'm back from Alabama and back at work.  But today was the hardest Monday I've had in a while.  On Sunday, the first day of my seventh week, morning sickness reared its ugly head.  I've been sick 5 times in 2 days, and spent both days--minus a few hours each evening--feeling incredibly nauseous and weak.  I immediately went and bought Sea Bands, and they seem to help a little, but I'd love to find something that will take it away completely!  It's miserable.  And I can't garner any sympathy from anyone, since we haven't told anyone yet.  At least our Track Out is coming up.  Six more days of work, and then we're out for three and a half weeks! 

Alabama

I'm posting from Wetumpka, Alabama today--my first trip while pregnant.  I rode down yesterday with my parents and brother, through two lightning storms and three hail storms.  My mother's side of the family has an annual Easter reunion that we try to make each year. 

Her father, my grandaddy, passed away last December, and my mimi was moved up to Birmingham for assisted care.  The house they have lived in is now vacant, and my brother and I have been exploring and uncovering some interesting things.  Here are some favorites:

a WWII gas mask
a police department finger printing kit
all sorts of currency from Israel
nitroglycerine pills from about 20 years ago
all sorts of ammunition--from pistols to shotguns to crossbows

We're sorting through a lot of papers and pictures, and doing a lot of landscaping....trying to keep the property looking well and eventually getting it ready to sell.  This may be the last time I come down to Wetumpka--there's really nothing left here for me, since Mimi has been moved up to Birmingham, and that's also where my uncle and his family live.

Beat Goes On

Yesterday was Jared's first day at his new job.  He's enjoying it so far--helpful co-workers, a relaxed atmosphere, etc.  We hope this will be a long-term place for him! 

My job is going ok, too.  Administration and I have spoken about next year's possibilities, so I'll be waiting to see where that goes.  My students will have an Easter egg hunt on Thursday--I think we have close to 375 eggs to share amongst the 20 of them.  I won't be there, though....I'm taking the day off to travel to Alabama with my family.  My mother's side of the family gets together for an Easter reunion every year.  It'll be hard to be there around everyone and not say anything about Jellybean. 

I have both grandmothers left in this world, but they both have developed dementia.  One doesn't know me from a rabbit, the other calls me everything from Bethany to Maribell to trying to order lunch from me.  It makes me a little sad that, even if they live long enough to be great-grandmothers (for the sixth time, in one of the cases, the first in the other), that they won't understand or comprehend it, and will not be able to develop a relationship with their great-grandchild. 

On the other side of the coin, Jared's grandmother is quick-witted, smart-mouthed, has at least one glass of wine a day and Wednesdays are naked days.  Mmhm.

Name Game

It's still 2.5 weeks until my first prenatal appointment, but Jared and I have wasted no time jumping on the name game.  We have a slew that we are considering.  Here are some first names that both of us like:

Avery, Riley, Aidan
Faith, Katherine

Here are some of his favorites:

Colin, Atreyu, Joshua, Daniel
Vivian, Rebecca, Michelle, Skye

And here are some of mine:

Henry, David, Wesley, Sean
Sophia, Joanna

Six Weeks

Tomorrow I start my sixth week of pregnancy.  I've read that most symptoms start around then.  So far, the only thing I've really noticed is that my breasts are larger and very sore.  I've had to lighten my workout, since it was causing me to be lightheaded.  I do feel more tired and a tad less patient.  But, no crazy mood swings, no nausea, etc.  Five more weeks before we tell everyone!

Baby Class

Jared and I agreed to read through a few sections of the baby books that I bought and read last year.  After about an hour, he decided that was enough for him!  He said there was too much going on inside me for him to keep up with.  :)  Jellybean, consider this the first time that you stumped your daddy.

Whisper Whisper

It's already so hard to keep a secret!  Jared agrees--we want to tell everyone already.  How do people keep these things under wraps?  Jared's family was with us today for church and lunch, and after they left, he admitted that he desperately wanted to say something.  But we've got six more weeks to kill before we share the news!  I've heard that the thing to do is tell strangers.  News won't get around, and you'll feel a little less like you're about to burst. 

Jellybean

We've decided to refer to this new little person as Jellybean for now.  We're giddy and nervous, like when we were first dating.  I know that a lot will be happening this year, and I'm thankful for all the blessings we've received.  Last December, we moved into our own home.  Just this past Monday, Jared accepted a great offer for a wonderful job.  And now, Jellybean.  God is so good to us.

Oh My Goodness

Jared and I already planned to take today off work--partially for a mental health day, partially so we could start painting our bedroom.  I figured it'd also be a good day for an early preg test--I'm only three days out.  And oh my goodness, there was a plus sign.  A plus sign!  On our first month of trying! 

I don't hardly know what to do next, but I hope this is true and we're thanking God already!

The B Word

Jared sat down today and, using our latest bank statements, fashioned us a new budget.  While he worked at his old job, we went overbudget by about $300 a month.  With his new job, we should have tons of breathing room to put money into retirement, a 529 education plan, and pay off the house faster.  It looked great and I'm thankful that he took the time to put it together.  My husband is so good with numbers and thinking logically and rationally, while I'm in charge of anything artistic, expressive, or ideological. :)

Praises

Jared got a great offer for the job he has been interviewing for!  He called me at work this morning after he got off the phone with them, and I am so proud for him.  I've been thanking God every time it comes to mind.  God really does take care of us, and I'm so grateful for that.  Jared will probably start some time in the next two weeks.  This is the first time he has been earning a salary as opposed to commission, and the first time he's been offered benefits.  We will probably be able to put my whole paycheck in savings.

As for the puppy we were planning on taking home the last week of April--the breeder called us recently and told us that the mother dog only had two puppies, and they both died after a few days.  So, now we are waiting on a summer bunch--maybe bringing one home in the middle of June or so.

And about starting a family--we are still waiting to find out from our first month of official trying.  It seems like this is the longest two weeks I've ever gone through. 

How Does Your Garden Grow?

I've started my gardening for the year, and I like what we have so far.  There are tulips, daffodils and hyacinths in the front beds, with plenty of room for summer blooms.  I bought our vegetables, herbs and some fruit for planting today--we have tomatoes, lettuce, green beans, onions, green and red peppers, strawberries, basil, lavender, oregano, mint and rosemary.  I want to plant blueberries and raspberries, but I'm still looking for a bush that will yield berries this year or next, instead of in two years. 

Hopefully I will have some time to start planting tomorrow!

Can we celebrate yet?

The manager of the company Jared has been interviewing for (four interviews now) just called.  She said that she wanted to keep in touch with Jared and let him know that they are putting together an offer for him that they will deliver on Monday.  I would take this to mean that they want him for the job and, based on what the company said was the salary range, Jared will take their offer in a heartbeat.  But it wasn't an offer in itself.  So....we want to jump up and down, thank God and wear stupid grins, but don't want to count those chickens before they hatch.  So frustrating! 

Today was so hard at work.  I'm drained, physically and emotionally.  It's a mixture of the kiddos having spring fever, two or three particular students who are disrespectful and defiant, and a co-worker or two.  We don't track out for another four and a half weeks.  I think I might have to take a mental health day to get through.

No change....or is there?

Jared had a fourth interview with the company today.  Four.  Perhaps we'll hear something tomorrow or Thursday.  I hope so anyway, because I think we're both getting a little stressed about it.

I went to the gym today and did my regular workout, which I've never had problems with.  Today, I felt light-headed three times and the receptionist made me sit down and drink some fruit juice before I could leave.  It's never happened before.  Of course, the idealist in me wants to say that it's probaby fatigue and shortness of breath caused by pregnancy, but the rest of me doesn't want to be disappointed in a week and a half when we check.

It's so hard to wait for anything, isn't it?

Beginner's Steps

Once again, we're standing together on the precipice of change.  The last time we did this, we were stepping out in faith to purchase our very first home, which we have now been in for three months, and we love it dearly.  This time, we find ourselves with three hopeful, possible changes:

(1) Jared should hear back in the next 2-3 days whether or not he's been chosen for a position at a great company.  He's been working commission his whole career thus far, and we both know that's not cutting it.  His current position isn't giving him joy, and since we only have this one life anyway, why not do something you love? 

(2) Based on the outcome of (1), we intend on getting an English Bulldog puppy on the next two months.  It's been 10 years since I lived at home with a dog, and Jared's never had one.  We can't wait--we've already chosen a name for her.

(3) Now that Jared and I have been married for almost four years and we have a home of our own, we both agree we're ready to have children.  There's no news to share and there may not be for a long while, but the possibility is there and we're praying for God to bless us with a child.