Recovery--a longer than normal post

I'm at home today, resting and thinking, hopefully healing.  Yesterday was a mixture of trauma and peace.  I worked a half day in the morning--it was good for me because it kept my mind completely off of what was to come.  Jared drove me to UNC Hospital about 1:30, and my anxiety started then.  I broke down when we checked in.  I was shaking while the anesthetician asked me questions and he gave me some liquid medicine for the anxiety, but it didn't seem to work.  I cried "scaredy-tears" and locked up while they tried to get an IV in me--they had to stick me five times and eventually had to use an ultrasound to find a vein that was not clenching up in fear.  Jared held my hand and talked to me the whole time.

I remember nothing in-between finishing the IV and waking up in recovery.  That is a huge praise.  I suppose the pre-op situation convinced the anesthetician that I needed a hefty dose of sedation.  Jared came in shortly afterward, and so did the surgeon--she was petite and had Asian heritage, and was pleasant, albeit a little distant.  She said she had used an ultrasound during the surgery, like I wanted, and that there were no complications or problems.  I told her I appreciated it, and we'd see what was what when I had my follow-up check in two weeks.  I am praying constantly now against scar tissue or puncture wounds.

I am also thanking God for getting us this far.  While I in no way understand why this has happened to us, I do trust that God has been with us all along--He has never turned away.  He has been in control this whole time.  He has a grander purpose for me and He knows my heart--He knows that I believe in Him, but that I may never understand.
Steven Curtis Chapman - Questions and song lyrics

And I have thanked God for my church family at Quest Fellowship.  My phone hasn't had a break in a week and a half, because of continual texts and calls wanting me to know I am prayed for and asking how I am.  Our small group has been bringing us dinner all week--and usually enough for two dinners, meaning our fridge is completely full!  I am so grateful to have a church family who follows up their faith with action, taking care of others for the glory of Jesus.  I love you all.

And there have been so many coworkers, family members, friends from Kinetic Church and North Ridge Bible Chapel, my previous two churches....along with friends I remain very close with and friends that might be regrettably called "just facebook friends", who have contacted me to let me know I was loved and prayed for, and that they shared our sorrow.  Many shared in the exact knowledge of what I was going through, as they had been there themselves.

That's one of the reasons I have been public in my story.  Miscarriage, unfortunately, seems to be quite common.  It's nothing to be ashamed of.  Incredibly sad, yes.  Worthy of grieving, yes.  But shameful?  Not in the least.  I want my story to be available to any and all friends I may have, and those I will make in the future.  I want them to know at least one person, right from the start, that they can turn to for prayer and shared grieving, if it were to ever happen to them.  

Jared and I have a little, red, wooden box.  Inside, we placed Angel's ultrasound pictures, baby shoes, Mothers' Day cards, a picture I drew and letter I wrote her, and three white roses.  Sometime soon, we'll go to the park, find a beautiful, quiet spot in nature, and lay everything that is our Angel in the ground.  Our shared hope is that, soon, we will find complete closure in this chapter, and eagerly await our next adventure.  Our Father God brings beauty from ashes--He makes all things new.  Praise the Lord.

  

Seeking Peace

Today, I went to UNC Hospital and had a second ultrasound.  The doctor said it looked just the same as the one a week ago when we found out that we were going to miscarry.  What that means is that I passed nothing of substance over the weekend, and needed to schedule a dilation and curettage surgery.

I really, really wanted to avoid a D&C.  I do not like hospitals.  I do not like the cold, clinical nature.  I do not like the exorbitant fees.  I do not like the risks of infection or complication.  I would much prefer my body doing what it needs to, naturally.  However, in this instance, my body has failed me.  I gave natural miscarriage a try; I gave medicated miscarriage a try.  Beyond that, there's only the D&C.

So, I am scheduled to go back to UNC Hospital tomorrow around 2:30 and, sometime between then and 4:30, I'll have a D&C done to remove everything, so that I can begin the physical healing process and hopefully get back to trying for a baby before too long.

Already, I have anxiety over this.  I know the risk of scar tissue and puncturing the uterus--two things that could take away my fertility completely.  And while losing Angel has been incredibly sad, being robbed of my fertility would be devastating.  I have requested the doctor use an ultrasound during the surgery so that s/he isn't doing it "blind", which is how it's usually done--they just sort of feel around and hope they got everything.

I also asked to be giving general anesthesia as I do not want any sensation or memory of this.  However, they declined that request, saying they do heavy sedation and a local anesthetic.  So, I also have anxiety that I may feel or hear or see something that I desperately do not want to.

Please, please, pray against this anxiety.  Pray that it is fully replaced by peace--physically, emotionally and mentally.  Also, please pray that the doctor who does this surgery is compassionate, caring, and careful about what s/he is doing.  Please pray that I will heal completely and quickly.

Angel, this is not how we wanted things to go.  We had big plans for you.  We had lots of dreams and hopes.  I know you're back in Heaven now with Jesus, and with your great-Grandaddy Hudman--I bet you have already made him into a big softie.  We love you so very much, and we always will.

                                 I haven't drawn anything in a long time--maybe eight years.  
                             Not my best by a long shot, but I thought it might help with the grieving process.

Still Waiting

Please, continue to pray for us.  The medicated miscarriage did not work.  We're basically in a holding pattern now until Tuesday, when I can hopefully get in to UNC to have an ultrasound so they can see what's going on.  We are tired of being strong, tired of going through this emotionally painful process.  While I really dislike the idea of surgery, it seems like my only viable option at this point.  My body won't miscarry naturally, and medicine doesn't work.  We just want to move forward, and if that's the only way, then so be it.

We ask that you pray for us to have clarity and peace in the decisions that need to be made in the coming days.

Please pray that the doctors and midwives will have wisdom in what they recommend and compassion in how they do their job.

Please pray that there are no complications or infection.

Please pray for Jared and I to cling to God and have faith in His plans and timing.

Please pray that Jared and I continue to stay close as a couple and are able to give each other encouragement and comfort.

Please pray that Jared and I both experience continual emotional healing and eventual restored joy.

A sincere and heart-felt thank you to our friends and family who continue to keep in touch, offer to help, and who pray for us unceasingly.

Moving Forward While In Limbo

Today, Jared and I laughed for the first time since Monday afternoon.  For just the slightest moment, our pain stepped out of the spotlight.  It feels strange, since we're in the eye of the proverbial storm and not done with it yet.

Natalie Grant - Held

I am still waiting to miscarry.  We found out Monday that I had unknowingly been waiting for a week and a half--what was four more days?  Tomorrow, I will start medication and hopefully be able to return to work on Tuesday.  I couldn't stand the thought of surgery--there's always the possibility that something will go wrong and mess up my chances for a future, healthy pregnancy.  Plus, it seemed so clinical and cold and clean--not like the natural, grieving process my body needs to go through.

At first, I was upset that we had shared our news with the world before we knew for certain that everything was going well.  I felt certain--everything was progressing normally and I was experiencing most pregnancy symptoms.  However, I changed my mind once we started to tell people our sad news.  Just as friends and family and coworkers fully shared in our joy, they have been fully present in our grief.  I have found that so many women I know (including some family) have experienced this personally and therefore know the full extent of this pain and know exactly how to pray for me and Jared.  Plus, it's comforting to know that Angel has so many playmates in Heaven, and a Father who loves her more than Jared and I ever could.

With Hope

This song pretty much wraps up how we are feeling and believing right now.  We will continue posting now and then, as we feel necessary, to work through our grieving process.

With Hope by Steven Curtis Chapman

Faith in the Darkness

Here is a picture of our baby, who we named Angel.  We don't know if it's a boy or girl, but they're with Jesus now.  The ultrasound showed that growth, and the heartbeat, had simply stopped at ten and a half weeks.

This has been incredibly sad, but we have been carried by our families' and close friends' prayers, and would ask for your prayers, too.  At a time like this, Jared and I are so thankful to be children of God.  Through Him, we have hope in sadness, faith in darkness, and the promise of joy restored.

Our little Angel, we love you very much.

Week 13!

Jellybean, you are officially in your last week of the first trimester.  You are the size of a little peach, about 3 inches long.  Your head makes up half of that size right now.  Your intestines have been growing inside the umbilical cord, but now they're moving into you!  Your vocal cords are also developing this week.  We love you very much.

Wednesday through right now, I've felt almost no nausea.  I eat regular meals and snack just a little bit.  I'm cautiously optimistic that the worst is over!  Also, I'm not going to the bathroom as much as I was (yay, sleeping through the night!)  However, exhaustion has been pulling double duty in nausea's absence.

We have our first trimester screening (ultrasound and blood work) tomorrow.  Jared is coming and we are looking forward to medical confirmation that Jellybean is doing well!

Quiet

Jared and I hurried to Chapel Hill to hear Jellybean's heartbeat on Wednesday.  The midwife tried twice, but couldn't find that sweet sound we anticipated.  I understand that about 30% of women with healthy babies can't hear the heartbeat at 11.5 weeks, especially hefty women like myself--my extra padding gets in the way. :)  Still, it was very disappointing.  We already had an ultrasound scheduled for Monday, for our first trimester screening.  The heart rate should be on screen, even if we won't be able to hear it.  The midwife did tell me that I had gained 2.5 pounds so far, which sets me up for a good weight gain overall.  She said my blood sugar and pressure were both beautiful and all my labs looked great.  Like I've said before, everything in life takes faith, and pregnancy is no different.  We have faith that Jellybean is doing fine and was just hiding this week--she's an introvert, just like her parents! :)  

Coworkers, Small Group, Facebook, Oh My

On Monday, I went back to school after (a blessed) three and a half weeks off.  I caught up with the kindergarten team and then mentioned I would be taking some time off in December.  They immediately said, "we know, you're pregnant".  I knew they had figured it out before I tracked out, but I couldn't confirm it for them until I came back.  They were excited and have offered to give advice if I want it (I love that kind of advice!).

Monday night is our church small group night.  There's about eight married couples, three with children.  It was our night to bring a snack, so I baked cupcakes with pink, blue and white icing.  No one noticed anything at first, so I said, "smart folks might find a message in the cupcakes..."  Erin, who's pregnant with her second child, said, "blue for boy, pink for girl, white for neutral....YOU'RE PREGNANT!"  And all the women screamed and hugged me, and all the men made fun of their wives for screaming and hugging.  :)

And today, Jared and I put our news on Facebook.  Together (and if you count my mother's sharing of our news), I think we've had over 120 people respond with well wishes and congratulations.  Jellybean, the world wants to meet you!  :)  I posted our blog, and readership has skyrocketed in the last two hours.  I hope I won't disappoint in my updates.

It's strange to not have Jellybean as a secret anymore, but it's also somewhat of a relief.  And we're so thankful for all the support and excitement and love that has been poured out--we feel very blessed to have you all in our lives.

Twelve Weeks!

Jellybean, today starts your twelfth week.  You weigh a 1/2 ounce and are 2 1/2 inches long.  Most of your inner systems are fully formed.  Your bone marrow is making white blood cells and your pituitary gland in your brain has started making hormones!  We love you very much.

Jared and I are back from San Antonio and seeing Jared's family.  My family, his family, and some of our close friends now know our news.  Tomorrow, I'll tell my co-workers and we'll tell our church small group.  And Tuesday, the news goes up on Facebook.

Lots of Facebook friends have been announcing their pregnancies in the last six weeks.  This seems to be the year of the baby! 

In the last week, I think I've had two really good days and three fairly bad days, regarding nausea and exhaustion.  I'm hoping good days will soon outnumber the bad, and that my work won't be affected.  I'm ready for that second trimester, and feeling much better!  The first trimester is actually thirteen weeks long, so there's two weeks left.

Two days until we go public, and three days until we hear Jellybean's heartbeat!

Not a Secret Anymore!

It's Saturday evening, and we're in Texas!  We told my parents on Thursday night, Jared's at lunch on Friday, Jared's grandparents on Friday night, and started calling friends today.  Most everyone has been very excited and supportive, and it's been fun to see folks' reactions. 

I gave both my parents memory jars last year for their birthdays.  They were decorated glass jars full of strips of paper with good, funny or touching memories from our lives so far.  I also included things that I was thankful they did and that I appreciated about them.  So, for Mother's Day, Mom wanted more memories...my brother, Thomas, helped me fill up the jar again.  We also wrote some more for Dad.  We kept one or two out for each parent to read first.  Thomas had some great ones, and then it was my turn....both of their secrets said, "I'll always remember the look on your face when you found out you're going to be a mimi/grandad". 

We went to San Antonio's Riverwalk with Jared's parents after we arrived, and had lunch on the river.  After eating, we gave Jared's mom her Mother's Day gifts.  First, we had a card from each of us, with a gift card inside.  Then, we gave her another card, and the inside said, "I can't wait to meet you!  Love, your first grandchild". 

We're off to dinner to celebrate Jared's grandparents' 60th wedding anniversary.  It's expected to be a crazy, raucous event...we've rested up, so hopefully everything'll go well!  :) 

One More Day

Jared and I have been so glad to have had the last two months to enjoy Jellybean by ourselves.  I'm glad we have waited to tell people.  This way, we've had time to talk things out, bond, and make this the new "normal" for us.  Tomorrow, we'll start having to facilitate it being the new "normal" for others, and start having to hear all sorts of advice, questions, suggestions, and pregnancy stories.  But, we're ready now, because we're totally comfortable and secure in it.

I'll do my best to keep the blog updated over the next few days with pictures and reactions.  Jellybean, you're about to go public!

11th Week!

Jellybean, yesterday started your eleventh week.  Before the next one starts, family will know about you!  You are about two inches long and you weigh a third of an ounce.  Your hair follicles and nail beds are growing.  All your fingers and toes are fully, individually formed, as is your nose, ears, and tongue.  If you are a girl, your ovaries are developing!  We love you very much.

                                                                           Photo of an 11 week old in the womb


I am still dealing with fatigue, weakness and all day nausea.  Folding a load of laundry and putting it all away causes me to lose my breath.  Checking on my plants outside, with a little watering and bug-spraying, makes me need to sit down for a while.  It's a little frustrating that I used to be able to do so much, and now I feel very needy and "unable".  I have gained 3-4 pounds so far, which sounds good to me--I've heard stories of women who have gained 10 pounds or more by the end of the first trimester!

Recently, Jared and I have been coasting along, and not being overly concerned about being pregnant.  We talk about plans, do a lot of reading, and scheme for the best ways to tell our family, coworkers and friends.  I have a feeling that, once the secret is out, plans and talk will become action and everything will feel that much more "real".

Three days until the telling starts, eight days before everyone knows, and nine days until we hear the heartbeat!

"Faith in Things Unseen" Explained

Jared and I chose Faith in Things Unseen for our blog title, for a two-fold reason.  The first, more important reason is that we are followers of Jesus and the Bible tells us consistently to live by faith, and not to rely on only what we can see and understand.  Hebrews 11, in the Bible, is a chapter all about faith in action.  The first verse says, "Now faith is confidence in what we hope for, and assurance about what we do not see."  In the chapter before, we read, "Let us hold unswervingly to the hope (faith) we profess, for He who promised to us is faithful." (Hebrews 10:23) 

Jared and I want to follow these commands and be focused on what God has promised to do for us, rather than what we might have tangibly at this very minute.  We have faith that God will take care of our daily needs ("God will meet all your needs according to the riches of his glory in Christ Jesus", Philippians 4:19).  We have faith that God cares greatly about us ("Give all your worries to Him because He cares for you", 1 Peter 5:7).  We have faith that God will give us children ("He settles the childless woman in her home as a happy mother of children. Praise the LORD", Psalm 113:9). 

The secondary reason, which is almost silly, is due to a love of the band Sister Hazel.  Jared and I have seen them in concert a few times, and I love their music.  One of my favorite songs is called "Strange Cup of Tea".  Here's a video of the song.  Here's the lyrics if you'd like to read them.

Itty Bitty Shoes

It seems everyone does a tiny shoes picture when they're expecting...and we want the whole experience. :)

Jellybean, these will be too big for you when you first arrive sometime around December 1, but maybe you can wear them in March or so!

10th week

Jellybean, you're halfway through your 10th week of being!  This week, I've read you're 1.5 inches long, and you're doing a lot of growing.  Bones, cartilage, knees and ankles are forming.  Your elbows already work.  Teeny, tiny baby teeth are growing.  If you're a boy, you are making testosterone!  We love you very much.

I've been very tired and am so thankful to be tracked out from school right now.  It takes a lot more effort to do the smallest things, and I can't manage to do things like mow the yard anymore, much to Jared's disappointment.  Morning sickness is still trying to get at me--I feel it following me all day long, but I hope my lowest point is behind me.  I have not had any heartburn or cravings, but boy do I have aversions!  I feel somewhat guilty about the food that goes to waste because I think I might want it, but then every time I look at it in the fridge, I feel "ick".  My clothes are definitely tight.  I've already "upgraded" my jeans, but I think it's time to do the same for dress pants and capris.

It's one week until you're not a secret anymore, Jellybean!  Next Thursday through Tuesday will be full of telling family, friends and co-workers.  And it's 13 days until Jared and I get to hear your heartbeat!