Moving Forward While In Limbo

Today, Jared and I laughed for the first time since Monday afternoon.  For just the slightest moment, our pain stepped out of the spotlight.  It feels strange, since we're in the eye of the proverbial storm and not done with it yet.

Natalie Grant - Held

I am still waiting to miscarry.  We found out Monday that I had unknowingly been waiting for a week and a half--what was four more days?  Tomorrow, I will start medication and hopefully be able to return to work on Tuesday.  I couldn't stand the thought of surgery--there's always the possibility that something will go wrong and mess up my chances for a future, healthy pregnancy.  Plus, it seemed so clinical and cold and clean--not like the natural, grieving process my body needs to go through.

At first, I was upset that we had shared our news with the world before we knew for certain that everything was going well.  I felt certain--everything was progressing normally and I was experiencing most pregnancy symptoms.  However, I changed my mind once we started to tell people our sad news.  Just as friends and family and coworkers fully shared in our joy, they have been fully present in our grief.  I have found that so many women I know (including some family) have experienced this personally and therefore know the full extent of this pain and know exactly how to pray for me and Jared.  Plus, it's comforting to know that Angel has so many playmates in Heaven, and a Father who loves her more than Jared and I ever could.