Seeking Peace

Today, I went to UNC Hospital and had a second ultrasound.  The doctor said it looked just the same as the one a week ago when we found out that we were going to miscarry.  What that means is that I passed nothing of substance over the weekend, and needed to schedule a dilation and curettage surgery.

I really, really wanted to avoid a D&C.  I do not like hospitals.  I do not like the cold, clinical nature.  I do not like the exorbitant fees.  I do not like the risks of infection or complication.  I would much prefer my body doing what it needs to, naturally.  However, in this instance, my body has failed me.  I gave natural miscarriage a try; I gave medicated miscarriage a try.  Beyond that, there's only the D&C.

So, I am scheduled to go back to UNC Hospital tomorrow around 2:30 and, sometime between then and 4:30, I'll have a D&C done to remove everything, so that I can begin the physical healing process and hopefully get back to trying for a baby before too long.

Already, I have anxiety over this.  I know the risk of scar tissue and puncturing the uterus--two things that could take away my fertility completely.  And while losing Angel has been incredibly sad, being robbed of my fertility would be devastating.  I have requested the doctor use an ultrasound during the surgery so that s/he isn't doing it "blind", which is how it's usually done--they just sort of feel around and hope they got everything.

I also asked to be giving general anesthesia as I do not want any sensation or memory of this.  However, they declined that request, saying they do heavy sedation and a local anesthetic.  So, I also have anxiety that I may feel or hear or see something that I desperately do not want to.

Please, please, pray against this anxiety.  Pray that it is fully replaced by peace--physically, emotionally and mentally.  Also, please pray that the doctor who does this surgery is compassionate, caring, and careful about what s/he is doing.  Please pray that I will heal completely and quickly.

Angel, this is not how we wanted things to go.  We had big plans for you.  We had lots of dreams and hopes.  I know you're back in Heaven now with Jesus, and with your great-Grandaddy Hudman--I bet you have already made him into a big softie.  We love you so very much, and we always will.

                                 I haven't drawn anything in a long time--maybe eight years.  
                             Not my best by a long shot, but I thought it might help with the grieving process.